So this is going to be
really difficult to write. I can already feel that, and I haven't even started.
But I still think that it needs to be written, and I need to just get my
thoughts out a little.
So I went on my Tumblr,
and was just scrolling through my blog, and just looking at some of the things
I have posted. The longer I scrolled, the further back in time I went, and the
more text posts I saw. These are a few posts I made on Tumblr during my second
semester of school:
- I
know life is all about choices and I can choose not to study, I can choose
to not give it all at practice. But getting bad grades, and failing at
high jump, when it was in my power to do better isn’t a choice to me.
- They
threw me in college and told me to figure out my life and I have no idea
of what it is I want. It’s all just too overwhelming trying to balance it
all. And not just balance it, but be happy and succeed in all aspects. It’s
just too much to keep up with, track, school, friends. On paper, on fb, I’m
living the dream, but paper is far from reality. The perception of my life
is a lot more grandiose than the reality. Some days I don’t know if I can
do it.
- People
have survived more. Why can’t I just do this. Its only 3 more years…3
years. Oh god. What am I doing with my life. I really feel like I’ve
failed. I haven’t spoken to my mom in days because I’m so ashamed of
myself. I try so hard to succeed in school, to succeed with track and to
still be social. And I just couldn’t do this one thing right. Am I a bad
person? What am I doing wrong, I spend hours of my day on the phone with
others to help them, and texting them to remind them and show how much I
care and love. I try so hard to be compassionate and to help others. What
am I doing wrong? What have I done to deserve this? What more can I do..
- It
never stops. Even when I feel my heart beating fast as if its going to
explode. Even as my minds racing and throbbing. Even as my body aches and
my joints freeze up, it never stops. I can’t take the day off. Cause
there’s school, and tests and theres work and practice to go to. I cant do
this. Im suffocating. But I cant stop, have to wake up and go on with the
day. There no time for mental sanity.
Reading this right now kind
of brings me to tears. I’m just recalling al the feelings I had in the moments
that lead to these words. When I wrote those, I knew I wasn’t being
overdramatic, I was being authentic to how I felt in those given moments. Maybe
for some people college is super easy, and just a chill coast for four years, I
just know for myself that my first year was an anxiety filled mess. I was an
emotional mess. There was a lot of fun, but falling short of what I thought I’d
achieve was really stressful.
There was a 7 days
period where I did not sleep and hardly ate while I was at school second
semester. I would get in bed at 12 and just lay there tense for 8 hours. When I
was in this weird catatonic state, I LITERALLY felt like I couldn’t breathe. I
have severe asthma so I know what it’s like to try, and try, and to still not
be able to get air into your lungs. I would just be sitting there and feel like
I was about to just die from lack of oxygen, my throat and my whole body was
just tense and coiled up. Imagine something you’re afraid of, like really
afraid of, that gets your body tights and your heart beating when you are near
it. For me it’s roller coasters. When I enter a rollercoaster I get tense, and
I sit there still taking shallow breaths, just praying for it to be over. There
is just pressure and tension across my whole body. Take away the slight
adrenaline rush that I do feel afterwards, that’s how I felt for every minute,
every second for almost 7 days. And I can say now without a doubt that if this
is what people experience and go through for weeks and months, and that’s the
mental state that causes them to end it all, I GET IT. I GET IT. Obviously I am
still here today typing this, but if I had dealt with that longer than I did I
honestly don’t know if I would still be here. I don’t know if I would have had
the mental strength to keep telling myself “it gets better.”
I am kind of type A, so
I know that how I define success is a lot harder to achieve than what many
define success. For example I would place in the top 3 at conference, and it
almost still wasn’t enough for me. When you’re very driven athletically and
academically you always want to push yourself for more. I was prepared for
college. I WAS NOT prepared for the emotional, mental and physical toll that
wanting to maintain a high GPA, being highly successful athletically, maintaining
a social life, and then on top of that not liking where I was and feeling lost.
I could have handled the first three, I had been doing it all of high school.
The last one, I didn’t even know would happen. I was completely lost and had no
one to turn to and literally thought I was crazy. I was trying really hard to
make everything work, and it wasn’t working. I didn’t know why if I was putting
so much effort in why nothing was changing. I was broken and disheveled on the inside, but
continued to smile and laugh and keep a perfect demeanor up. I was able to get
over all of this eventually, but I honestly had to go to counseling and sat
there and just cried saying “I’m sorry, I promise I’m not crazy, idk what’s
wrong with me” over and over and over.
I had never had anxiety
issues until I got to University. And I think there’s a huge issue that while I
was going through all of this I felt like I was crazy and no one could help.
Mental health is just as important as physical health. I wasn’t able to sleep
or eat because I had severe anxiety, if I can’t do that how can I perform on a
track? And I know that I am not the only college athlete that has gone through
this. Athletes going to school (and students in general, but I am an athlete so
I’m speaking to what I know) are under and immense amount of pressure. And when
you’re like me where good isnt good enough, it gets harder. When you come from
being the best where you were before, and being in college now, and you don’t
think that you’re good enough, succeeding enough, that is detrimental. It doesn’t matter what other people or saying
or the accolades you’re piling up, it matters how you THINK, and you’re thought
process is what can drive you literally insane.
All I can say about all
of this is that don’t think about what other people are going to think about
you. I was so afraid that people were going to think I was crazy, or
overreacting that I just sat there in pain, in mental anguish for MONTHS, FOR
MONTHS. You’re emotions are valid. You are allowed to feel how you want to feel
about ANY situation. But when those emotions are causing you problems don’t be
afraid to ask for help, don’t be afraid to tell someone that you’re suffocating
on dry land. You don’t have to answer to anyone else but yourself, the only
person that needs to be okay at the end of the day is you.
College is hard, and
it’s not these raggers all the time that films and television paint. There are
people in serious pain and anguish, and they’re just trying to stay alive and
stay afloat. I don’t know if a lot of this made sense but I’m writing it more
as a cautionary tale/ advice for any student, athlete, or person just having a
hard time. There might come a time where you feel like you’re drowning, and you
can’t do it, but you can. You have to talk to someone, anyone. Holding these
feelings in just pile on atop each other. Eventually you’ll stop being elastic,
and you’ll pop. You just have to shut everything else out, and do what’s best
for you. THEY whatever they think and say, don’t matter. YOU matter. You’re
mental health and sanity matters.
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